So I’m minding my own business expertly bypassing some deep shadow work in the middle of a training/ lecture about chakras and energy and this bitch mercury with all this fuckin' scorpio energy is stirring up all my shit. I’m sitting there like ma’am I have ninja like reflexes (no i don't, I’m a klutz for reals for reals) I ain't ready to deal with the root foundational shit, I wanna go hide from it and bang on the door of my crown chakra cause ethereal bliss sounds lovely. The trainer never once called me out, she just said the word avoidance, and while she did not mean to I was fully gathered, without a single solitary edge left un-snatched.
So I’m sitting on a zoom thinking fix yo face, we got company. The way that word ‘AVOIDANCE’ told me all about myself... I was simultaneously seen and shattered, one of my shadows, very clearly said, “ um, she don't know me, that's not what I’m doing I KNOW I deal with my shit... (*kicks shit out of view)” then another shadow was all, “omg, omg, omg, omg everyone KNOWS she's calling YOU out, cause you ain't dealing with THIS shit right here...(*frantically points to the shit the other shadow just kicked) 🤦🏾♀️ ”. So typically in the past I would have just packed up all those feelings and stories I just created in my head, and compartmentalized them to maybe deal with later or maybe hide a way in the crevices of my own mind, and let them wreak their havoc in the shadow cause...love and light good vibe only energy right.
Well that good vibe only energy is also ‘bout some bullshit...you wanna know where it's at...shadow work. I started my journey into shadow work after meeting Myranda Bennett aka Boundless Warrior with the Sacred Way Mystery School. We met at a retreat hosted by another friend Kady Lafferty of Big Booty Yoga. After meeting her there, I knew she was gonna help me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I just knew, I needed to keep her number. She’s gonna help you. I kept thinking throughout the retreat. A bit of context, about three years before meeting Myranda at this retreat, my mom passed away. Up to that point, the time around her transition-versery (what I've dubbed her transition day) I would start to wallow and wallow and wallow sinking deeper and deeper into grief. So I kept Myranda’s number and built up the courage to reach out to her for like a general inquiry......and then didn’t follow through. (because all the bypassing was really working great for me...…)
Then on a whim I replied to Myranda looking for volunteers via Instagram for her mentees....(👀 ok Universe)... so I thought okay you KNOW she's someone who can help you and this way you can build up to accepting...admitting you need healing... for me at that time, I could justify getting help in service to someone else. WOW, right....but God, Universe, Source, whatever makes sense for you had other plans...so I went to meet with her and her mentee and wouldn't you know it, mentee didn't feel ready, yet Myranda still honored the appointment. So I explained my reason for seeking this out and how I’ve been dealing (not well) with my mom's passing and that every year since I just wallow around her transition-versery, and that I wondered if I could shift from wallow to some greater purpose or connection back to myself and with her spirit. I knew I wouldn't and wasn't seeking to get rid of the grief but I needed help learning how to use it. I was seeking a teacher.
As my session came to a close I knew two things for sure, energy is very much real and is never destroyed, and my initial thought of Myranda being able to help me was in fact, spirit sent. In subsequent workshops and readings Myranda introduced me to the importance of shadow work. She introduced the idea of facing your shadows and naming them and re-contextualizing them not as the scary things we don't want to deal with and we compartmentalize away, (old me🙋🏾♀️ and sometimes current me, I’m a work in progress...always), but to begin to see them as teachers that we can learn from. Now don't get me wrong, my therapist (who I’d been seeing regularly for two years to that point) told me the very same thing, in different ways, during multiple sessions, but the way this lesson came into understanding for me was first through Myranda's connection to spiritual healing modalities. It was what I needed...again spirit. See my mom and I would have these spiritual, theological conversations, stemming back from the days of her being my Sunday School teacher. I would often talk about how much I wanted to go study theology because I simply just wanted to understand, how ‘it’ all connected. I knew in my heart, at an early age, the difference in religion isn't necessarily dogma, but more so our own human separation from spirit. I’d talk to my mom about all MY interpretations of how I saw connections and threads throughout so many things designed to keep us apart.
So back to this training where the trainer ever so rudely held up a mirror to show me myself by saying….well....words….from her pre-planned lecture... 😆
...we went to a break for lunch and I started feeling myself get angry and embarrassed and all out of sorts. So I watched myself start to construct stories, stories about what the trainers said, stories about how others interpreted, stories about myself and so I journaled and asked why do i need the stories, even if the stories are true, it's not my business what others think of me. So I had to ask why again. And y'all when I tell you my ego came up with another very plausible...slightly deeper and a smidge more truthy story that I really could have settled in...and for a brief second I thought, I could live here...but I worked up some more bravery and decided to ask again so I did and my ego shouted back THIS SHITS SCARY! Thats why!!!
About a week before this ‘gathering’, I hosted a morning meeting on zoom with the littles, one of my iterations is as an Art teacher at an elementary school. So during this morning meeting we are learning about our feelings and how our feelings show up to teach us ways to respond.
It's a book that teaches children that 1) feelings are okay and 2) that we learn from them when we ask our feelings questions and then listen for the answer. Where was THIS book when I was 7...matter fact where was a teacher like me….(we’ll get to some ‘you are the teacher’ yoda stuff on this journey don't worry)
See fear doesn't really like questions 'cause when you ask fear questions it kind of becomes...ummm what is it….oh yeah less scary. So armed with the knowledge of shadow work, the confidence that I was roughly ten-ish days out from a pre-scheduled therapy appointment (let's be real👀) and a good 5 plus hours out of the training the started all this, I started asking fear all sorts of questions...and after a solid and highly productive 20 minute ugly cry, fear and I started working some things out. We began negotiating the things we could move closer to the light….
not all of it because fear is here with me for a reason, she’s there to help keep me safe, but we mutually decided on a plan to begin ‘letting go of what doesn’t serve us’ any longer.
So why am I draggin' Mercury’s good name through the garbage in my title...well she's on some bullshit and people should know….
...how to use her. I'm a proud gemini, Mercury the lovable 'lil bish she is, is my ruling planet. And you can not believe in her energy, but I do, when this bish goes into retrograde, she comes straight for me like I stole her man, her money and her last muffin (alliteration is fun, sue me).
Retrograde comes from the Latin word retrogradus, which literally means “backward step.” So retrograde is when a planet appears to go backward in its orbit, as viewed from Earth. Astronomers refer to this as “apparent retrograde motion,” because it is an optical illusion. For this past retrograde that started in October, (stationed direct on Election day) would "either sap you of your usual zest and leave you feeling lethargic, or fill you with chaotic, scattered energy that might have you feeling restless, unfocused and anxious" according to Elle magazine. Mercury is especially good at bring back shit, you ain't (really) dealt with, kinda like a cat that brings you a dead mouse like aren't you proud…..no
Well this particular retrograde was happening in scorpio season to and well…. Scorpios🤷🏾♀️
Anyway in this mercury retrograde, by making fear all uncomfortable with my questions, I uncovered some of the shit mercury was trying to drag out of me..and well.....did…in fact, drag me.
Mercury gets a bad wrap, especially because of all of her extracurriculars messing with technology and general communication and cause me to not understand how to form basic word sounds…but when you understand what mercury is actually here to do it will ultimately work in your favor to at least shine a light on the lessons mercury wants you to deal with. Like my Auntie Oprah says, (I'm paraphrasing) lessons will come in a pebble, then a rock, then a brick, and finally a brick wall. The lessons wont pass you until you learn it...and since sometimes multiple lessons may be needed so why not try to catch the pebble.🤷🏾♀️
So the next time Mercury comes around to show her ass...maybe...just...kinda...let her. Things come back to us for a reason, because what we resist...persists. She really is trying to help you address some things you maybe haven't really addressed or dealt with fully. Yeah, mercury's timing is ALWAYS at the worst possible time...to us, but she's also reminding us to pack light and let go of some of the shit that weighs you down. When mercury goes into retrograde she is literally singing to us,
"All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you
One day all them bags gone get in your way…
…So pack light…"